The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
You Might Also Like
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]