WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
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Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.