I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
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It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like