@TravLeBlanc: I'm jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
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@SteveSuckington: [reading test results] "It looks like you're gonna be just fine" [nurse whispers in ear] "Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks" -Steve Harvey M.D.
@LetsQuoteComedy: In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
@TheAlexNevil: Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to "sweep the leg". They've all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
@tastefactory: [killer enters home in middle of night] ME: Who goes there? KILLER: Haha ME: What KILLER: Who still says "Who goes there" ME: Ok laugh it up