I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
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Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?