@notacroc: GROCER: slide your card ME: it didn't work GROCER: does it have a chip? ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

@MiddleageM: Heard my mom tell my dad to "stop tossing her salad" at the dinner table and now I can't look at either one of them without laughing...

@Cheeseboy22: Remember, when you're driving in the snow, it's important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don't get stuck.

@sarcasticmommy4: I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, "how sad, she doesn't know she could be sleeping in her bed right now."

@Brampersandon_: [Me]: "I have hat-like reflexes" [You]: Don't you mean cat-like reflexes? [Me]: *sitting on top of your head* "Nope"