I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
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My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.