@3sunzzz: I'm jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
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@peteholmes: Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word "stop."
@hippieswordfish: [arcade] KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine DAD: hey buddy, why don't you give the kid a turn LOBSTER: BACK OFF WE'RE IN LOVE
@Douchekevin: When the police officer asks how much have I had to drink tonight- 'all of it' wasn't as funny to him as it was to me.