I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
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Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder