I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
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I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,