I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
You Might Also Like
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I mean…but I did
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.