I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
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[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
The two types of wives
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
this independent good boy don’t need no human
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I’ll be mad as hell!