@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: How would you define yourself? ME: *don't let her know you're a delicious chocolate cake* Moist

@SlappNuttz: My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter. So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

@lejessica: The 80's called and they want you to stop saying they called.

@dreamthievin: Life plan: 1. Befriend shady people. 2. Witness a murder. 3. Enter witness protection & get new name. 4. So long student loans!

@ArfMeasures: [prehistoric times] MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter DAUGHTER: So I gather