@R_A_Dadass: Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell "I'm getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!"

@ArfMeasures: [Me as a babysitter] ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out HER: My son is Robert ME: We have 2 problems

@huntigula: [texting w/ my nana] Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis! Her: I ❤️ murder Me: well that's kinda wei.. Her: I will 🔫 everyone

@PabloGSerski: The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn't worth life in jail.

@215potter: If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.