@osigat: My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

@ChipKellysBalls: Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle ...

@sad_tree: Lettuce is like that friend you only hang out with in a group with other friends. "Hang out? Who else is coming?Ham? Great. I'll be there."

@TheMichaelRock: Some guy robbed a local gas station and stole $700 worth of cigarettes. I wonder what he'll do with both packs.

@flyafuckingkite: When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.