I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
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It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
the clam before the storm
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.