I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
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Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Me driving through Toronto
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way