How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
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Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on