Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.