I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
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This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Need this in my life lol
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”