I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
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Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
why would tinder want me to say this
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?