I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
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People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
One of the best
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes