I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
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When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
wish me luck lads
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”