I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
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Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?