My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
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Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?