I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
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*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
It’s an epidemic…
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”