I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
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Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine