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@lecalabara: Im just an average guy with 2.4 kids.
@Parentpains: Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?
*Leaps into garbage compactor*
@DurtMcHurtt: Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
@NotThatKevin: I said my wife's name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet's empty...
@KeetPotato: cop: [bangs on door] "open up, its the police"
me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] "two seconds"
@SwedishCanary: When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I'm capable of.