So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
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Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Poetry is my passion
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
See..?
.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose