@lecalabara: Im just an average guy with 2.4 kids.
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@GrantTanaka: wife: maybe you should start working out again me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
@rickolantern: Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
@kDuncanG: Knuckle Tattoo Idea: * L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
@balloonsmatt: Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.