Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
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Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
me hitting on a model
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds