[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
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OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”