I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
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Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend