if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
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Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
A roof is a house hat.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”