I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
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Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”