I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
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The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
This is hilarious….
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.