I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
You Might Also Like
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Me :
All Day At Night
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.