Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
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[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
There are usually two types of merchants.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
This cat wants you to take your pills
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
⛄️
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*