“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
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Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.