@PuckingItUp: I'm just grateful that I don't have to draw on my eyebrows everyday because I would totally forget to do that.
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@TheWadest: *requests Uber* *climbs in backseat* Uber driver: "Where to?" Me: "oh, nowhere. I just don't like to change my diaper in the street."
@AndyAsAdjective: If you love something, set it free If you hate something, do origami If you're hungry, go watch a movie I don't understand how advice works
@david8hughes: [phone rings] Mum: your grandad isn't well. I'm afraid he's on his deathbed Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
@BGH70: On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep… 2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.