Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
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I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you