@MollyRingwraith: I'm just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
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@MatCro: [restaurant] ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It's my birthday WAITER: Your birthday? It's on the house ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
@TheRealAnchovy: Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know it ain't quite right.
@CalmTomb: BBC crime shows on Netflix: - Inspector Grimpenchester - The Hangman's Ax - Get Me Bumblry! - Miss Lettie Pennyfeather's Detective Concern