@MollyRingwraith: I'm just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
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@bridger_w: If you're pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
@mjkspeaks: Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said "I love you." He didn't even die. Killing people with kindness is hard.
@TragicAllyHere: *I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap *I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex's name* dangit *I fall yet again and comment "your baby looks cross-eyed" on his album* oh shoot