I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
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ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Some people were born into their job.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.