I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
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Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?