I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
You Might Also Like
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.