@briangaar: I'm just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8
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@PAT_E_ROCK: Girl: So, how many inches is it? Pat: How many inches is what? G: You know.. P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long. G: OMG, It's so big!
@WhatsHerFace33: "Operator, run this licence plate please Echo Alpha Tango Alpha Delta India Charlie Kilo" - Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
@jeffswarens: After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
@ThisOneSayz: [At the pearly gates] Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here? Saint Peter: the book was so much better.