Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I know this now 😂
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.