I’m just playing devils avocado here
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I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Good news
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!