I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
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8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french