I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
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Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Just a bush.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Jogging
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time