Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
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Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*