I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
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sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.