I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
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[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
My whole life was a lie.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.