Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
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director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’