Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
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If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
buying dead houseplants to save time
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!