I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
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I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
saving face 👀
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…