I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
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My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
What the hell is going on?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate