i’m laughing very hard in real life
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Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.